Tag: Couples

Couples Therapy Couples • Relationships June 8, 2023 By Sara Martin 0 Comments

Will My Relationship Survive?

If you are asking yourself, “Will my relationship survive?”, it is well worth reading these relationship questions.

Relationships can be the growth engine that prevents us from stagnating and becoming stodgy or stuck. Often we see conflict or doubts as signposts that we might not be in the right relationship or can stick it out.

I often say to clients that conflict and deeply exploring concerns or even being triggered or feeling so passionate about something that it hurts is NOT necessarily a bad thing.

It could be a catalyst for growth and your relationship is getting in your face holding up a big mirror to the things you need to face in order to be happy. And it’s not about whether you have conflict or concerns, it is whether you deal with that constructively and proactively and whether you can do repair well that matters.

Here are some relationship questions to ask yourself if you feel like you can’t last the distance:

Is it possible that I may be part of the problem and this relationship is holding up a mirror to things I don’t want to see?
Is it easier to project my issues on my partner than face the challenge of change?
Could things become good again if I tolerate the pain of growth and work through these things?
With challenge and growth can we become a better version of ourselves together – are we in fact a perfect partnership to challenge each other? (it’s just hard sometimes).
If I don’t rise to the invitation to change within this relationship, am I at risk of transmitting the same issues to the next relationship because I can’t escape my shadow?
Is part of the problem the season of life and I could feel different in seasons to come?
Should I stick it out like in generations before where ‘no fault divorce’ didn’t offer an out, and many ‘golden oldies’ pushed through and are happy in their later years? Am I cutting my losses too early?
Are there any parts of ‘Us’ that are worth keeping?

Could this feeling of ‘nothing left’ be an inner signpost that you have reached the end of the road and it really is time to move on?
Maybe you are capable of change and growth but your partner is not and you’ve grown as much as you can and staying is causing stagnation. Could it be that what is happening to me is toxic and others are seeing that but I can’t because I’ve started to believe and internalise the negativity and am not the person I used to be or want to be?
The question may then be “How do I extract with integrity, safety and as little collateral damage as possible?”

Some of these questions and the related issues are painful and complex.

You may be able to explore these yourself or it may be safer and more productive to be scaffolded and reassured during this self-examination. If that is the case, don’t hesitate to contact Brisbane-based counsellor, Sara Martin, at sara.martin@lifesensecounselling.com.au

Couples Therapy Self-improvement/Identity Couples • Therapy August 16, 2021 By Sara Martin 0 Comments

Differentiation Based Couples Therapy: Can I Be Truly Loved?

As a couples therapist, I follow the work of Dr David Schnarch, a Differentiation based therapist. Schnarch is critical of love and relationships based on Hollywood-style notions of romantic infatuation, which is time-limited once you truly get to know someone where it becomes more personal. He says that marriage is a people-growing machine and an opportunity to become more capable of loving authentically on life’s terms, creating realistic patterns of marriage instead of romantic notions (Schnarch, 2012).

What Is Differentiation Based Couples Therapy

This points to the concept of healthy differentiation. A well-differentiated person is able to balance autonomy and intimacy: being close and being themself. Schnarch defines differentiation as “People’s ability to balance humankind’s two most fundamental drives: our desire for attachment and connection, on the one hand, and our desire to be an individual and direct the course of our own lives, on the other.

Couples Therapy Counselling • Couples August 16, 2021 By Sara Martin 0 Comments

Couples Counselling: Aren’t you and your partner worth investing in?

People come to couples counselling for all sorts of reasons – arguments; distancing and avoidance behaviour; coping with major changes; sexual concerns; resolve conflicts; addictions and habits; infidelity; trust issues; extended and blended family concerns; coping with major differences; parenting styles and the list goes on.

Sometimes it is because they recognize they’ve grown apart and want to understand why and work on rekindling. Some couples come for pre-marital counselling to establish a foundation or ensure they are making the right decision to get married. And others come because they want to separate but want to facilitate that process civilly, outside of a legal or mediation process because there is still enough love, respect and concern for the affect on their loved ones – it’s about ‘clean pain’ versus ‘dirty pain’.